Parenting Zuperfliegen: Four-Months-Plus In

Zuperfliegen recently turned four months old. Over the past couple of months, several friends have asked me how things were going. I have typically given a very short summary and added "I plan to write a more complete response soon". This blog entry is an attempt to finally do just that.

Let's first talk about Zuperfliegen's health. Overall, I think it is very good. He is eating and growing like a champ. His height and weight are both around the 70th percentile, with his head size a little higher than that (go, big-headed guys!). He is also sleeping through the night, as well as getting a few naps during the day. And today we saw what appears to be the start of his first tooth.

As you may remember, Zuperfliegen suffers from sleep apnea and requires oxygen 24 hours a day. This is a developmental issue and the prognosis is that he will develop out of it by the end of his first year. We are scheduled for a sleep study at the hospital every three months to monitor his progress and, eventually, determine when he can get off the oxygen. Our first sleep study was supposed to be on August 3. Unfortunately, Zupe had caught a cold at that time and the hospital did not want to do the study unless he was completely well. So the sleep study has been rescheduled for September 5. That was a little disappointing, as Ann and I were looking forward to hearing what progress he has made. But we recognise that it was highly unlikely that he was going to come off the oxygen at this point, so we can deal with waiting a little longer to hear about his current status. We do worry a little that this will push all the future sleep studies back a month, also.

Zuperfliegen has been suffering from an advanced case of eczema giving him a sandpaper-y feel to his skin. Ann has been pursuing various solutions, all with minimal effect. The current perspective, from Zupe's general practitioner, is that it is an allergic response triggered by the season (as it is winter here, the air is dry and cold). So she prescribed a standard moisturizer for babies, a strong steroidal topical cream, bath oil instead of soap, and the removal of gluten and dairy from the food Ann eats (as well as switching the formula for Zupe). We are hoping this, combined with the eventual change of season and warming of the days, will resolve the issue (and that we are eventually able to work gluten and dairy back into Ann's diet!).

The big news about Zuperfliegen is that we have been able to observe developmental changes:

(1) He is smiling! That has really made a big difference. Partly because it means that he is developing and growing at an OK rate; but mostly because we actually get some positive feedback from spending time with him!

(2) He seems much more aware of his hands and reaches for things with intent. Also, he is able to hold his "kung-fu grip" on something for an extended period of time. It's nice when he holds my finger!

(3) He also seems much more aware of his environment. He will follow us with his eyes as we move about the room.

(4) He is more comfortable with being held. This is still an ongoing issue. We want him to see being held by us as a source of comfort. He is getting there.

(5) He is talking! OK, he is not saying words, or even really syllables. But he is making a lot of sounds and he keeps doing it. I am sure that this is the precursor of learning to talk.

We still have a lot of work to do with regards to getting him comfortable on his stomach ("tummy time", they call it), as well as getting him to the point of being able to roll over and eventually sit up. Always another goal to progress toward!

OK, on to Ann. She has really taken to motherhood and is enjoying her time at home with Zupe. She is the major care-giver, while I am basically the "bread-winner" who helps out as I can when I am home. It is funny how I studied traditional gender roles while at university and thought "my life will be different"; and here I am living in the 1960s (well, kind of). We have been helped in the loss of half of our house's income by the fact that Australia offers 18 weeks of paid parental leave (at minimum wage), as well as a small carer's allowance to help with Zuperfliegen needing oxygen. The government also provides all the oxygen for him. This is a country that really does these things right!

Anyway, Ann is happy and healthy and a loving mother.

So what about the fathering side of Zuperfliegen's parenting? Well, if I had written this post two months ago, I think it would have been somewhat despondent. I was having some difficulty with Zupe. It was not that he was crying all the time; he has never suffered from colic. But crying was still pretty much the only sort of communication I was getting from him. He was that guy - you know, the one who is part of your gaming group, but all he ever does is complain and you get kind of tired of it. Combined with his seeming dislike of being held and his inability to smile, I was finding it all a bit depressing.

His partial aversion to being held and what appeared to be slower development and the risk of oxygen deprivation at birth and until he was diagnosed as needing it all fed into one of my greatest fears: that he will be severely autistic or otherwise mentally disabled. If that were to be the case, we would, of course, still love him and do the best we could for him. But, for me, it would be a difficult road to acceptance. Fortunately, his advancements over the past two months have done a lot to allay my fear.

Even if I could get past those two big issues, there was still the difficulty for me that I found Zuperfliegen kind of, well, boring. Sure, I thought he was an amazing miracle of life and super-cute, and I think it would have been fair to say that I loved him, but there just was not all that much to do with him. I mean, he was still working out what those things at the ends of his arms were - his hands - not to mention that they had a relationship to each other! After a number of minutes, I would think, "Time to get back to my computer..." (Of course, if he was crying, that moment came a lot faster.)

What helped a lot - other than the developmental advancements I wrote about above - was altering my expectations of parenting. You see, when I thought about having a child and parenting, my mind would process the data by playing a number of "films" in my head - holding his hand as we crossed the street, playing games on a Sunday afternoon, introducing him to the classic science fiction films, etc. I eventually had to realise that all of those things were years and years away. I had to focus on the here and now, and find the joys present in that. Sure, all this seems really obvious; but it was still quite a revelation for me, and it helped me to start down a much more positive path.

So, nowadays, I feel pretty good about everything. It is nice to see Zuperfliegen responding to his environment and finding joy there. I experienced a moment the other day - I was holding him and he just went crazy with smiling and kicking his legs and thrashing his arms about (some of his main forms of communication) - and that was a fabulous moment for me. My heart just filled with joy and love. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next!

But I'll still be super-thrilled when I can finally hold his hand as we cross the street, play games with him on a Sunday afternoon, and introduce him to the classic science fiction films...